My Roommate's Body 3
by Londonboy
It was great hanging out with Nolan’s friends. I especially liked Drew – he was so kind to everyone – including me. Nolan’s mood seemed to improve with each drink – as did his already fantastic dancing. He definitely liked to dance and people liked watching him. I returned to the bar twice to buy a round of drinks for the group and Atlas gave them to me for free - both times. I knew better than to share this information with the group. I must admit – Atlas had a nice body – but he did nothing for me. I was drawn much more to Nolan and his group of friends. It never got easier for me to be in the bar. I was just too freaking shy and nervous. I tried to hide it as best I could – but even Drew commented on how I needed to loosen up more. That comment stung a little. I didn’t know how to be any different. Every person looked at me a specific way – thinking I should act differently – but it just wasn’t possible.
Nolan was very protective of me the entire night. Besides that short outburst early in the evening he went out of his way to try to make me feel comfortable. He even asked me repeatedly to dance with him – something that caused shocked looks from his friends. They kept telling me Nolan never danced with anyone. I never felt like I fit in at Jacks and Jokers – but I did feel supported by Nolan and his friends. Nolan even caught me smiling a few times and made fun of me.
I continued to be mesmerized by how outgoing Nolan could be. When his friends noticed someone very handsome they would all turn to Nolan and tell him to go up and “chat” with the guy they pointed out. And Nolan did it every time. He wasn’t shy at all. He found it easy to talk to even the cutest guys in the place. A couple of times I noticed the target guy watching our group for the remainder of the evening – hoping that Nolan would return to chat with him. My heart literally ached to be that bold – that daring – that sure of myself. It suddenly struck me that having Nolan as a roommate was going to be awesome. By watching him “work the crowd” I was going to learn some invaluable lessons – I was sure. I intended to let Nolan be my mentor and role model. I decided that I would observe him closely and, hopefully, get “into his head” to find out what made him so comfortable with himself. It was also obvious that my crush on him was growing stronger every minute. Each time he danced I watched his body move to the music and I fantasized about our bodies moving together in the same way as he made love to me. Most of the evening I had to stand at the wood railing that circled the dance floor to hide my raging hard on – caused from watching Nolan’s beautiful body. I sensed the evening coming to an end and began to get a little sad. Jeff and Rico had already left. Rob was in the corner trying desperately to get this older man to take him home. Drew and I were sitting at the table talking about what else – Nolan.
I could tell Drew was a little tipsy because he was being so open about Nolan’s personal life. “His heart is really broken right now. He won’t admit it, Sam, but this most recent break up hit him hard. He always goes after the wrong guy. He thinks he wants someone who has a personality just like his own – but it is so hard for two really outgoing people to be a couple – don’t you think?” He did not wait for a response from me. “Of course it is. There’s not enough air in the room for two people who compete for the attention of everyone else. But Nolan doesn’t get that fact. He only goes after the pretty boys who – in his mind – make the room light up. I believe he thinks having some eye candy attached to his arm will make him more appealing. We have all tried to make him understand that he is pretty much the eye candy himself – but even his therapist hasn’t been able to knock down that wall of low self-esteem. He once told me that growing up in a small rural town - where the entire town basically only worshipped jocks - made him constantly try to “make up” for being a little guy who was non-athletic. He said that he became the outgoing jokester who excelled in academics and other areas to try to gain attention. His trouble, though, comes from the fact that he craves attention so much that he is always busy seeking more. He never seems to be satisfied. I wonder if he will ever be happy. He believes that if he was more muscular or taller or – in his opinion – more handsome he would be just right. I don’t think it is possible for him to see how great he is – just as he is right now.
It hit me, at that moment, that Drew, also, had a crush on Nolan. He told me earlier in the evening that Nolan had broken the heart of everyone in this small group – and now I saw the truth in that statement. I also began to understand the similarities between Nolan and me. My past had made me turn inward. Nolan’s past had made him turn outward.
**********
It usually takes me a while to figure out why I do the things I do. Halfway into the evening at Jacks and Jokers I realized I was going overboard trying to impress Sam. I began to see how desperately I wanted him to like me – to be impressed by me. I wanted him to see me as his confidant – his friend. Sure - part of the reason was because his body turned me on – but there was something more. It took me a while to realize that I also wanted to protect him – to help him ease into a “so-called” gay life without having to learn things from getting his heart broken. Of course I was projecting the pain from my recent relationship onto him (my therapist would be so proud of this revelation) – but my true desire was for him to not get hurt. I was able to push aside my lust for his incredible body and see that even this giant of a man could feel pain – could be reduced to tears just like me. I wanted, somehow, to prevent that from happening. I knew it was stupid for me to think I could protect him from the world, but it wouldn’t cause me not to try.
I decided, while I was dancing, to return to the group and focus on helping Sam feel comfortable. I allowed the alcohol to enhance my desire to be outgoing. I moved away from self-pity and began to take my usual place as ringleader of our small group. We started checking out the crowd and honing in on all the hot guys. I could tell that Sam liked it when the group talked about other men. I think he thought this prevented him from being in the spotlight. Oh, how little he understood gay men. If I had asked any man in that bar – I’m serious now – whom they wanted above anyone else, I know the majority would have chosen Sam. It was just that simple. I began to be okay with that fact, though. I started to see there was a lot more to Sam than just his beautiful muscles. Granted, there was a lot of work yet to be done to release the inner Sam, but I wanted to be part of the impetus for his growth. And I could tell that Sam wanted to bust out of his shyness – to change some patterns of his past. He watched everyone in the group intently I guess so he could learn from them. Sometimes I could tell he had no idea what to do or say – but that didn’t prevent him from trying to fit in. My friends were great – especially Drew – working hard to include this shy mountain of muscle I had thrust into the group.
I had a few setbacks in my “improved” mood during the evening. Almost every time I was sent by the group on a mission to talk to a hot guy – the target of our lust ended up asking me if I could introduce him to “the big guy in the white shirt” that was at our table. It was a little disheartening – but I refused to let it ruin my evening. Most of the time I would simply say that the “big guy” was in a long term relationship and unavailable. This obviously disappointed each man but some begged me to see if Sam and his partner would like to have a three way. This continued to reinforce my desire to have that kind of power over people – to make them even forget common decency to get a chance to be with me. Another blow to my self esteem came when I saw Atlas flirt blatantly with Sam both times he went up to buy a round of drinks. No matter what Atlas was doing that evening, he was constantly aware of where Sam was in the bar. And both times Sam came to the bar Atlas shoved other bartenders out of the way so he could serve the handsome muscle man. It also bothered me that Sam didn’t have to pay for either round of drinks. I know Sam thought we didn’t notice – but how could you not when Atlas would grab Sam’s hand holding money and push it away. In all the years I had been coming to Jacks and Jokers, Atlas had never given me a free drink – not to mention a whole round.
I succeeded, though, in not letting these moments force me to stray from my mission to help Sam. I just became more outgoing and entertaining - to make up for the fact that I felt invisible. I was suddenly thrust back into high school where I went out of my way to stand out in a crowd that only noticed jocks. Sydney Stanton’s comment, in my senior year of high school, that I could never be a class officer because I didn’t play football came flying back into my memory. I tried hard to force these images from my mind – but bad habits are hard to break. I felt inferior and self-conscious because I wanted to be bigger – more handsome – more noticed. I knew it was wrong to view myself this way – but my heart didn’t listen to my brain sometimes. I was controlled by a lifetime of seeing the grass as greener on the other side.
At one point a revelation hit me like a ton of bricks. Was I that different from the shy giant that was now my roommate? Something from Sam’s past seemed to make him an “off the charts” introvert. Something in my past made me want to be outgoing and the center of attention. Wasn’t this the same thing? Did Sam choose to stay at home and live a pretty lonely life because that was most comfortable to him? Did I always seek attention and boyfriends that could match my extroverted personality because that is what I knew best? Did I want my boyfriends to be really good looking and liked by everyone because that would somehow make me more desirable? Wow, there was going to be a lot of new topics to discuss with my therapist on Thursday.
At about 12:30am I could tell that Sam was getting tired of Jacks and Jokers. He had refused to dance with me three times and he was only drinking water – so he didn’t have that “let your hair down” buzz that comes from a few beers. Our small group had mostly disbanded for the evening so I suggested we go home. Sam and Drew had been talking a lot the entire evening. I knew Drew had talked about me – he tended to do that when he was a little drunk. I realized that Drew had a crush on me, but I couldn’t see him as a boyfriend. We were just too good at being friends and I didn’t want to ruin that. Also, if I was being very honest with myself, I wasn’t attracted to him sexually. He definitely had a nice body – but it didn’t turn me on like… well, like Sam’s body, for instance. I probably needed to analyze that entire part of my psyche, as well. I made a mental note to bring it up with my therapist.
“Drew, my good buddy, I think Sam and I are going to head home. This has been a great night. I’ll call you tomorrow – okay man? You are taking a cab, right?”
Drew turned from his conversation with Sam to look at me. I was, again, aware that he was slightly drunk. “Yes, mother, I am taking a cab. I was going to get a ride with Rob, but I think he won’t be open to having another rider if he goes home with that guy who looks like Sam Elliot home.” I laughed and glanced over at Rob. It looked like the two men were definitely hitting it off – which was usual for Rob. Since not many in the crowd at Jacks and Jokers liked their men older, Rob usually got his pick of the more mature patrons. I gave Drew a big hug and kiss and turned to leave. Sam held out his hand for Drew, but the tipsy man pushed it out of the way and gave the giant a big kiss on the lips and a tight squeeze. I knew Drew was getting a quick feel of Sam’s muscles. Sam was pretty embarrassed by the kiss and, again, turned a deep red. I saw all heads follow us as we left and we both ignored Atlas as he called out Sam’s name. The coolness of the early morning air gave both of us a slight chill as we walked to our car. There was nothing either of us wanted to say – so we drove home in silence. When we got home – the word home still didn’t yet seem right to me in this condo – Sam asked if I wanted a glass of water as he went into the kitchen. I said yes and sat down at the dining room table. He joined me with two full glasses and a box of Wheat Thins.
Sam held up the box of crackers. “These are my downfall. I love them more than anything else in the world. I could eat this whole box in one sitting. Care for any?”
I laughed. “I’m not sure that I should try to take your favorite food away. There’s no telling what you could do if you were mad!”
Sam didn't get that I was kidding. “I would never hurt anyone Nolan.” And after a slight pause, “Especially you.”
I was amazed by his outburst and it probably showed on my face. “I was kidding Sam. Sorry, I thought you knew that. Of course I’ll take a few.”
“I’m sorry, Nolan. I guess I am still pretty tense from the evening.” Sam looked down at the table.
“Sam, I know this night was a new thing for you – and thanks for coming out with me – but please help me to understand what you were tense about. I just don’t get how a good looking, fantastically built guy like you can be uncomfortable the entire evening.” I wasn’t trying to make him feel worse – I truly wanted to understand so I could help him. There was silence for a couple of minutes. I knew not to push him. I forced myself to be patient and wait.
“It all comes so easy for you, Nolan.” There was another slight pause. I bit my tongue. “You have a way with people. It seems that you can talk to anyone. I really wish I could do that. There is a lot of things from my past that makes me the way I am. I don’t want to say a lot more than that, but all my life I haven’t felt good enough – so I basically spend my time alone.” I could see that this conversation was taking every ounce of strength that Sam had – his body was very tense and that made him completely irresistible. Every muscle was tight and bulging. I made my mind re-focus on what he was saying. “I think I keep working out so I can get my body to a place that makes me acceptable – good enough. Maybe people will be proud of me if I get big.”
I am sure my mouth fell open at this point. It was a good thing that Sam wasn’t looking up. I could not fathom that this beautiful man – this god-like being sitting in front of me - thought he wasn’t good enough. I wanted to reach out and take his hand that held the glass of water so tightly – but I knew the move would ruin the moment. I sat there in silence again, closed my mouth, and began to understand Sam a little more. I was shocked when tears began to well up in my eyes. I believe they came because I started to see things from Sam’s point of view. He, for some crazy reason, longed to be like me. This longing to be someone else was something I could understand completely – because I so deeply wanted to be like him. It struck me that this might be a good way for me to respond to his comments.
“And to think, Sam, that this entire evening I have constantly wanted to be you. I had to work very hard not to let my jealousy of you influence my actions. Isn’t the world completely crazy?”
Sam quickly looked up at me. I am sure he noticed the water forming in the corner of my eyes. I hoped he would just think the alcohol caused it. He had a look of disbelief on his face. “Why would you be jealous of me, Nolan?”
This question made me speechless – for the umpteenth time that evening. I was about to tread in un-chartered territory - in regards to what I had shared with people about my life. I chose my words carefully. It was my turn to look down at the table. “Sam, I grew up in a world where a man was measured by his abilities as an athlete. A guy was admired if he was big and powerful. It has continued to be that way in this ‘buff body’ conscious; ‘good looks’ focused society we live in. I have spent many dollars in therapy trying to figure out why I react the way I do – but I just wish I could turn heads because people think I have a beautiful body or because I have a gorgeous face. I wish a bartender would give me a round of drinks for free because he lusted after my big arms.” Even as the statement came out of my mouth I knew it would make Sam uncomfortable – but there was no way to put it back. I was being completely honest – maybe for the first time in my life - and I couldn’t stop. I glanced up and saw that Sam knew I was talking about Atlas’ treatment of him.
“And just once I wish someone would buy me a drink for some reason other than my body.” I realized this was quite a bold statement for Sam to make. I believe my being so honest had given him strength to do the same. “I want to be seen as something more than a piece of meat. I wish that someone would take the time to get past my body and see that it covers up so much more – both good and bad. I have a lot of pain in me, Nolan, and I also have a lot of untapped kindness. In the past I have never gotten the chance to share it with anyone because every person I met just wanted to feel my muscles or fulfill their fantasy of making the big muscle man be on the bottom during sex. That’s why I stopped dating. No one stayed around long enough to even find out if I was a top or bottom. Most guys just wanted me for a night of fantasies and then went back home to what they would call their real partners.” Tears streamed down Sam’s face. My heart was full of pain – not for myself, but for him.
We simply stared at each other. Nothing about our desire to be the other person had changed – but we had both come clean. We had shared our hearts with each other. Our connection was deeper than I had ever known with anyone else – and in such a short time. Sam knew I wished I had his body – for the good looks and developed muscles. I knew Sam wished he had my body – for my personality and the ability to be seen as a full person – not just some piece of meat. Even with a pretty good understanding of the pain that came with being the other person, we still longed to experience all that accompanied being a muscled stud or an outgoing life of the party. I, again, marveled at how crazy the world could be.
“I would very much like to get to know you, Sam. Yes, I am in awe of your body – I won’t deny that – but I care more about getting to know you.” I saw the glimmer of a smile creeping onto Sam’s face. I decided I could let a little humor back into the conversation. “I don’t think I’m ready to know whether you are a top or bottom, just yet, if that’s okay with you.” I actually made Sam laugh and that felt fantastic. “It will be difficult for me to look beyond your body, at times, I’m warning you – but that more about what it causes in other people and not because of you. Jealousy is a hard thing to just push away. It will rear its ugly head when we are out in public I am sure. I tell you that just so you will know. I will also try to be honest when it is happening so it won’t consume me.”
“Like with Frederico tonight in the restaurant?”
“Yes, Sam, that is a great example. I’ll try not to keep it to myself from now on. But I want to ask you a favor, as well. I want you to begin to trust me. I think if you can learn to trust me and believe that I want to know you - beyond what’s beautiful about the outside – you will begin to be less shy and more comfortable with other people. Fair enough?”
“Yes, Nolan. Thank you. Tonight I realized that you could finally be the person who is able to help me break free of being such an introvert. I don’t think you realize how easy conversation, flirting, and doing crazy things comes to you. It’s just become so natural for you. I want to have that ability. I want to make people smile and feel good - like you can.”
“Ah, you want the body and the personality, huh?” I was toying with Sam – but, again, he didn’t realize it.
“Nolan, I would give up the so called great body in order to have just an ounce of your ability with people.”
“And, Sam, I would become an introvert just to be blessed with your rock hard muscles!” We continued to stare at each other after my last statement. We knew that it was a good stopping point for the evening – and a great beginning for our new friendship. I knew I could now call this place home. “I think it is time that we go to bed, roommate.” Sam smiled and I stood up. Sam stuck out his hand for us to shake. His outstretched hand made me realize that it was going to be a little hard to help him get over his shyness. I grabbed his hand and noticed the handshake was a little firmer than earlier in the day – or was it just in my mind.
“Good night roomie.” Sam stood up, as well, and began to turn out lights. I walked over and locked the front door. It seemed like we had done this a million times before. I walked down the hall and went into my room. After I shut the door I thought back on the evening and smiled to myself. I knew that both Sam and I were going to learn a lot in the coming days. That made me very happy.