My Roommate's Body 12
by Londonboy
I returned to the table where Drew was standing, but I was still trying to figure out my feelings about Sam – now as Nolan – leaving with Big Daddy. Drew, on the other hand, didn’t hesitate to give me his opinion.
“Well you left just in time, Sam. You got out of here before Nolan made a fool of himself. I can’t believe, after all that he has been through, he would leave with that asshole, Big Daddy. When is Nolan going to wake up and get a clue?”
“A clue about what, Drew.”
“Take your pick! A clue about how cute he is. A clue about how that big jerk, Alan, is just using him. A clue about the fact that all of his friends are tired of having to make up lies about how much they like the immature muscled meatheads he chooses to date.” Drew suddenly stopped and looked at me. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to infer that all muscled guys were immature or meatheads. It just seems to me that Nolan really isn’t searching for the perfect man, as he claims. I believe he is choosing guys that he knows won’t stay with him.”
Drew’s rant almost made me forget I was in Sam’s body. I was caught off guard by the honesty in what he was saying. “Why would Nolan choose guys he knows are going to dump him?”
“Wait until you’ve known him for a while, Sam. You’ll see. Nolan really doesn’t want a relationship. That would be too much work. He actually might have to open up and let someone get to know him. Or worse, yet, he might have to take the time to get to know someone else.”
This last comment hurt me deeply. I tried hard to hide my reaction. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? Nolan seems to be a great guy to me.”
“He is, Sam, he is. It’s just that Nolan doesn’t know it. He’s too busy trying to be someone other than himself. I swear if he ever really just stopped and let the real Nolan take the lead in all that he did he would have tons of beautiful men beating down his door. He just tries too hard. There isn’t anyone on earth that could live up to his expectations – but it’s really his expectations of himself that hurt him. He’s actually everything he dreams of being – he just can’t let that sink in.” Drew stopped to take a sip of his drink. I took that moment to try and process what my friend was really saying about me – he just didn’t know it. I was still too caught up in the exit of Big Daddy and Sam to really focus on any heavy thoughts, but the seed of Drew’s point were planted in my mind.
“Listen, Drew. Nolan is a big boy. He can take care of himself. Sure, he’s made some bad choices in the past, but he seems to be getting better doesn’t he?” As I was saying this I knew it was too much information for Sam to know in such a short time. Drew was so caught up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice.
“I thought so, Sam, but then he went home with Big Daddy asshole tonight. What the hell has gotten into him? He doesn’t seem to be the Nolan I thought I knew.” I was beginning to detect a slight slur in Drew’s speech. From past experience I knew that it would be pointless to try and debate anything once he reached this point.
“I don’t think anyone’s their old self tonight, Drew. Even I’m feeling a little different.”
“Yeah, I mentioned that to you earlier. You have changed Sam. You have become bolder and more confident. It suits you man. It’s almost like you’ve got some of Nolan’s guts.” During this last comment a cute guy walked past the table and smiled at Drew. Drew was not too gone to miss the flirtation.
“You have no idea how close you are, Drew.” I didn’t have to worry about Drew questioning my comment. He was too busy watching Mr. flirt walk away.
“I’ll catch you later, Sam. Oh, and don’t worry. I won’t be needing a ride home.” And with that he was gone. I was left alone at the table. I glanced at my watch. It was only 10:00pm. I immediately thought about Sam – as me, Nolan – on the way to Big Daddy’s house. It suddenly struck me that Sam would not know the house – it would be his first time being there. I began to get nervous for him, but then my evil side took over.
“Serves him right.” I spoke out loud and to no one in particular.
“Serves who right?” Atlas was suddenly standing on the other side of the table. My face flushed red.
“I, uh, my, um . . . I was just thinking of a friend who left with someone he shouldn’t have.” That’s great Nolan – for once you speak the truth and it sounds really stupid. Atlas didn’t seem to notice.
“Well, would that be because you are against people going home together from a bar or did this particular person just make a bad choice?”
I definitely knew where this conversation was leading. My flirting skills kicked into high gear. “Oh it would definitely be the latter, not the former.” I smiled at the big man across the table, folded my huge arms, and leaned onto the table. I made sure to tense my biceps. Atlas’ gaze went directly where I wanted them. The sight of my arms actually made the guy lose his train of thought.
“Well . . . that’s . . . um . . . good, now isn’t it.” He continued to look at my arms and didn’t realize he was running his tongue across his upper lip. I guess it was just a natural response to my muscles – or Sam’s muscles. I suddenly craved more of the power I seemed to have over this guy. I raised my right arm on the table – bent with my forearm and stuck my hand out to Atlas. I was going for the gold with my new body. The guy would not be able to resist me.
“How about a little arm wrestling match to see if we go to my place or yours. Let’s make it winner’s choice.” I was in heaven. I was aware of a crowd gathering around our table, but I didn’t take my eyes off Atlas. I wanted him to feel like he was the only person I noticed. So far it was working.
Again I caused the man to lose control of his speech. “I . . . I . . . uh . . . I don’t think I can . . .” He just continued to stare at my arm. At this point I wasn’t even flexing – but it still looked powerful and huge on the table. I was getting a hard on looking at my own arm – well, what used to be Sam’s arm.
“Why not, stud?” I could tell the last word made him happy. Then a thought hit me and I suddenly lost my macho attitude. “Oh, are you not off yet?”
“No, no, that’s not it.” Atlas answered quickly. It was as if he were a child nervous about some upcoming punishment. “I get off at 10:00 and, well, that’s what time it is.”
“Then what’s the problem?” He stared at my arm for a few seconds before speaking.
“I just know there is no possible way I could come close to beating you. Not against that arm of yours. I’d like it if we just named you the winner right now. That way I don’t have to be embarrassed in front of the crowd I’ll have to see week after week.” Atlas was whispering so no one would hear what he was saying. His forfeit and his attitude just fueled me on. I was getting a rush from knowing the big guy of my fantasies was in awe of me – it didn’t matter at this point that it was really Sam’s body. For this moment – and hopefully for the rest of the evening – all of this bulk was mine to play with.
“What? You’re not scared of this little old arm are you, Atlas?” I turned the hand toward me, made a fist, and then flexed my bicep. My elbow was still on the table. The arm ballooned into such a peak that it actually caught me off guard. Luckily the gasp emitted from my mouth was covered up by the collected gasps of Atlas and the crowd around us. My arm mesmerized me just as it did everyone else. I started lowering my forearm and raising it up again – just to make the peaked bicep go higher. My cock felt like it was trying to bust through my pants. I finally stopped the up and down motion by flexing the bicep one last time and holding it. It looked like someone had inflated a basketball under my skin. By this point I had regained some of my cockiness. I turned my eyes toward Atlas and stared at him as I brought my face toward the peak. He grabbed the side of the table in anticipation. When I placed my lips on the tip of my bicep I heard a few moans come from the crowd. Atlas pulled in his bottom lip and bit it hard. I immediately knew what he wanted and I was ready to grant his wish. “Does the stud want to kiss this monster bicep, too?”
All Atlas could do was shake his head yes. I motioned with the forefinger of my other hand for him to come ahead. He was breathing hard as he leaned across the table and brought his mouth to my arm. He licked his lips a few times and then placed them gently on the bulging hard surface. He stayed that way for a few seconds and then he slid his tongue between his lips and ran it along the vein that stretched across my flexed peak. He ended his worship session with a final kiss and then stood back up. His eyes were closed and his mouth was slightly open. I think he was trying to memorize this moment so he could recall it at any time for the rest of his life. Suddenly I heard voices in the crowd saying they wanted to kiss my bicep. I stood up and let my arm fall to my side.
“That’s it for the show tonight, gentleman.” Everyone moaned in protest. “I am really sorry, guys. But you see, Atlas and I are heading out for a fun evening of mutual muscle admiration.” One guy yelled out that he was willing to pay to watch – and others in the crowd chimed in that they would, as well. For a second that sounded tempting, but I wanted this night to be just Atlas and me. “Thank you very much for your kind offer, but I’m afraid tonight it’s just us.” I grabbed Atlas’ arm and pulled him around the table. He seemed to still be in a different world and I literally had to lead him out of the bar. Once outside I turned to the big guy and smiled. “Well, since I am the winner – and it’s winner’s choice – I choose your place. Shall I drive or you?” I think the fact that I was going home with him finally registered.
“I take a cab to work. Sorry. Do you mind driving?” Some of the manly confidence I had sensed in Atlas over the years seemed to be gone. I hoped it would return as the night went on.
“Not at all my good man, not at all. It just means that I won’t be able to have my hands all over you in the car. I’ll just have to wait until we get to your place.” I started walking to my car, but turned around when I realized Atlas wasn’t following. My comment must have overwhelmed him – he was standing there frozen. I stepped back in front of him, squatted slightly, wrapped my arms around his waist and stood up – lifting him in my arms. I was shocked at how light the guy was – mainly because he had always seemed so big to me. He let out a little yelp sound like a small dog. “Are you alright there, big guy?” I had started walking to my car with him in my arms. Atlas was running his hands all over my huge shoulders – trying to feel every part of them.
“I’m fine. Just fine.” His voice was high pitched and breathy. I realized that this was probably the first time someone had ever picked him up. I think he was slightly in shock. When we reached my car I loosened my grip and let his body slide down mine until his feet met the ground. Because of my height his face only came to the top of my pecs. He bent his head back to look up at me. I still had my hands around his torso. I pulled him in tightly and brought my lips to his. At first, it was like kissing a statue. I believe the guy was still in shock at what was happening. Slowly he regained awareness and started to get into the kiss. I squeezed him again and lifted him slightly off the ground – never breaking the kiss. After a few more seconds I dropped him and our faces separated.
“Get in the car, boy, before I rip your clothes off right here.” Atlas must have thought I was giving an order because he quickly opened his door and slid into the seat. He even leaned over as I was walking around the car to pull the handle and open my door. I smiled to myself as I began to think about all the things I could get this guy to do when we got to his place. I was already liking my initial test run of Sam’s body.
As soon as we pulled away from the bar I decided it was time to have a little more fun with my new friend Atlas. I reached over to his crotch to finally feel the hard cock I had dreamed about for so many years. I placed my hand on the front of his pants and squeezed. It was difficult for me to find anything to grab hold of and when I finally felt the guy’s dick it was completely limp. I couldn’t hide my disappointment.
“What’s the matter? Are my muscles not enough for you, man?”
Atlas turned to me and I saw that his eyes were half shut. “No, dude. You’ve got enough muscles to make about five guys happy. It’s just that I did a line of coke right after my shift. It’s some good shit. And an orgy with fifty men couldn’t get me hard when I’m snorting.” I pulled my hand away. At least this explained some of his bizarre behavior. Atlas was aware enough to sense my mood change. “Don’t worry, man. We’ll still have a great time. This stuff will kick in at some point. It’s not like I was going to fuck you anyway.”
“Why not?” I was caught off guard by his remark because I had intended for both of us to enjoy the pleasure of a good fuck.
“You’re the alpha male here, dude. You’re supposed to be in control. That’s just the law of the land.” I could tell that Atlas thought this comment would make me happy. The thought of being the alpha male did excite me, but I had hoped for a little mutual satisfaction. I was beginning to think I was going to have to do all the work tonight. That’s not what I had hoped for with this man – I had wanted a little shared muscle worship session, some man-on-man sex that was even, and then some early morning cuddling time. I was trying hard to adjust my expectations, but it was hard.
“Well, I was hoping we could take turns being the alpha male tonight. We could be rebels and break the so-called law of the land. What do you say to that, my friend?”
I turned to Atlas expecting a response, but the big guy had his head back against the seat and he was actually snoozing. I suddenly thought about how unfair this evening was turning out to be. Here I was in a fucking huge body getting to go home with a man that I have drooled over for some time and it seemed I was only going to end up carrying him into his house and tucking him into bed.
It was then that Drew’s words from earlier in the evening came rushing to my mind – when he thought he was talking to Sam about me. He had said that I always put expectations on other people and myself that could never be met. Is that what I was doing in this situation. Was I creating some fantasy in my mind that was preventing me from enjoying the present moment? Granted, at the present moment my date seemed to be passed out, but nonetheless, I had already mapped out the entire night in my mind. And here I was expecting Atlas to play the part of prince charming. I envisioned that we’d have great muscle sex – that was a given – but I also anticipated that we would laugh a lot and have some great conversations. I actually found him hard to talk to – which might be blamed on the cocaine, but something inside of me said it was more than that. I had also noticed something inside of me as I carried Atlas to the car earlier. I had picked him up because it was something I liked a guy to do to me. Even as I was getting off on doing it to Atlas, deep down inside I still wanted someone to do it to me. There was something so bizarre in that – and it was causing a shift somewhere deep inside me. All of my life I dreamed of being the big muscular dude of my fantasies, but now that the dream had come true, I found myself focusing a lot on my old self. Maybe Drew was right when he said that I could never be happy – I would always want what I didn’t have.
“And now I’m back.” Atlas’ voice broke the silence in the car and jolted me a bit. “So, what’s the game plan . . . um . . . what’s your name again?”
“Sam. It’s Sam.” The question bothered me a little. I had told him my name a few times during the evening – could this be a cocaine issue, as well?
“Yeah, that’s it. Well, listen Sam the man, we are going to have a wild time tonight. My place is just up here on the right.” Atlas had obviously forgotten he had given me the address. As we found a parking place I glanced up at the high rise. This was a pretty impressive place. It had a doorman and everything. As we entered the lobby the guy at the front desk smiled knowingly at Atlas.
“Good evening Mr. Atlas.”
“Hey there Simon.” We stepped into the elevator. “I asked him to call me that – I really like the sound of it.” I could tell that Atlas’ mood was changing. He was becoming more confident. I hoped it would last. As we stepped out of the elevator I decided to just be “in the moment” and enjoy the evening as it unfolded. I even began to view it as a challenge to get his limp cock to rise to the occasion. I was impressed with the condo as soon as we stepped inside. It had a very modern minimalist feel that was very cool. Obviously, Atlas had good taste. As soon as he shut the door I turned around, pushed my body into his - pressing him up against the wall – and then brought my lips roughly up against his mouth. He immediately parted his lips to welcome my exploring tongue.
I rammed my crotch up against his, but my throbbing cock did not meet anything hard. The guy was still limp. His kiss definitely told me he was enjoying the foreplay, but the drugs certainly prevented the message from going below his belt. I decided to focus my attention elsewhere. There was a new sensation that I found invigorating. As I pressed my monstrous pecs up against Atlas’ pretty impressive chest I got my first taste of what it truly felt like for two huge guys to be together – and it felt awesome. I had my hands up against the wall and was roughly rubbing my hardened nipples against him. The motion sent chills through my entire body. I had always wanted to know what it felt like for bulging muscles to meet other bulging muscles. I pressed harder up against the guy. I couldn’t tell what I liked more – the sensation I felt in my inflated chest or knowing that Atlas was getting to feel the benefits of my – well, actually Sam’s – hard work, too. For a second I wished I were Atlas so I could feel the mass of muscle pushing into him. This thought caused me to briefly stop all movement of my body. A question popped into my head – did I want the big body or did I want to feel the big body. I forced myself to return to the present moment – ignoring such stupid thoughts.
At this point I had my tongue halfway down his throat, but he didn’t seem to mind. I pulled my mouth from his and looked into his eyes. I instantly could tell he was high as a kite. I didn’t let it bother me. “Are you particularly fond of your shirt?” Atlas was wearing a tight black t-shirt. I don’t think he really understood the question.
“No, man. It’s old.” He definitely had a far away look in his eyes. I pushed away from him and brought my hands up to his chest. I massaged his pecs for a second and was caught off guard at how they felt. They weren’t as hard as my own – well, they weren’t as hard as Sam’s – which were now mine – oh, this really was too confusing. I marveled at the fact that Atlas’ pecs seemed slightly soft. I squeezed them hard and his reaction was not as pleasure filled as I expected. Still, I was not deterred. I reached up to the collar of his shirt – grabbing it with both hands. I yanked in opposite directions and the shirt easily tore down the middle. “Fuck, man, that’s hot.” This display of strength seemed to please Atlas a lot. I tugged him slightly away from the wall and slipped the remains of his shirt off his torso. I then grabbed my own shirt just above my belt and pulled it over my head. My huge arms prevented the tight sleeves from sliding off easily and I had to apply a little more force to finish the job. When I looked back at Atlas his mouth and eyes were equally freakishly wide. This was the first time he has seen Sam’s body – no, now my body – unclothed. It was apparent that Atlas has stopped breathing, as well. I smiled at the shocked man and then bounced my pecs a couple of times. His eyes had trouble deciding which side to watch.
“You like what you see, huh?” For the second time that night all Atlas could do was nod his head up and down. I was relieved when he started breathing again. “Well, then you might like these two monsters, as well.” I lifted my arms and hit a double bicep pose.
“Oh my fucking goodness.” Atlas was, again, blown away.
I turned to look at my flexed arms – I wanted to see what made him so dumbfounded. My own reaction equaled his. It was hard to believe what I saw. It was equally hard to believe that those two mountains of muscle were attached to me. I longed so much to feel them that I brought my right hand over to explore my left peak. When my fingers touched the hard bicep my cock jerked. Unexpectedly, I was disappointed that I couldn’t feel both peaks at the same time. There was a flood of desire within me and it didn’t completely involve being the one with huge muscles. As a matter of fact, I began to notice that I wanted to do the worshipping and was disappointed that Atlas’ body didn’t match Sam’s.
Atlas brought his own hand up to my flexed bicep and started groping it. I returned my right hand to its flexed position so my admirer could cop a feel with both hands. Atlas needed no directions – his other hand shot immediately to the peak. He stood there amazed by the fact that his large hands didn’t come close to covering the mass of muscle in my arms. Finally, he tried to grab them as best he could and used them as leverage to pull his face to my chest. His aim was the deep crevice between the two walls of granite before him. Once there, Atlas stuck his tongue into the deep valley and started sliding it up and down. The feeling was great, but there was something I wanted more. I brought my left hand to the back of his head and pulled his mouth over to my erect left nipple. He kept his hand on my bicep the entire time. He swiftly placed his lips on my chest – as if he was a starved infant. Atlas pushed my arm back into the air and I realized he wanted me to continue flexing – I happily obliged. I watched as my little worshipper attacked my chest with his mouth. It became obvious, rather quickly, that the man did not know how to please someone this way. All he wanted to do was run his tongue across my chest and kiss the nipple. Where was the teasing with his teeth or the kind of suction that left a hickey? I wanted to stop and give the man lessons – and then I realized I really wanted to be the guy attacking my monstrous chest – well, Sam’s chest. I was slowly losing my hard on and needed some time to re-group. I backed away from Atlas and he let out a whimper of disappointment.
“I need to take a break, man. You are turning me on too much.” Atlas smiled at my compliment. “How about a drink?” This suggestion seemed to turn Atlas on more than my body.
“Better yet, Mr. muscles, how about we do a line together?”
“Um, no thanks. A drink will do fine. Do you have a beer?” I registered that he was disappointed in my choice.
“Don’t tell me you are a ‘straight and narrow’ man.” Atlas walked away into what I guessed was the kitchen. I moved into the middle of the room – still surprised at how beautiful the place was.
“I’m afraid so. Alcohol seems to do the trick for me.” I had never wanted to try drugs. I think they scared me. I was also pretty sure that Sam was the same way. Why did I suddenly think about him? Maybe it was because I was in his body. Atlas walked back into the room with two beers. He motioned me to join him on the sofa.
“Next you’re going to tell me that you don’t do ‘roids either.” I guess the look on my face showed my confusion. “What steroids do you take?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. None.” Somehow I instinctively knew that Sam’s bulk was all home made.
“Aw come on man. No one looks as great as we do without the juice.” When I didn’t respond I could tell he simply thought I didn’t want to confess. “No worries, dude. You don’t have to spill. So what work have you had done? Anything? I’ve had some lipo, breast implants, and work on my face.” My stunned look encouraged him to go on. “Yeah, they did a pretty good job didn’t they? Take a look – here’s where they went in.” He raised his arm and pulled his impressive chest to the side showing me the scar from the incision. I was totally flabbergasted.
“Well, that is a nice job. I, um, am afraid I haven’t had any work done - yet.” Suddenly the chest I had always longed to feel wasn’t very impressive. I wondered if that also explained why he didn’t get much pleasure when I squeezed them earlier.
“Sure, man, sure.” He did not sound sure. His assumptions were starting to make me angry. I suddenly wanted to defend Sam’s body – making sure to point out how fucking fantastic it was compared to the fake one in front of me. I calmed myself down. Atlas put his beer down and looked at his watch. “Listen, man. We need to hurry this along, if you don’t mind. My husband comes back from a trip early tomorrow morning and I need to make sure there’s no sign of our little get together.”
“What? You’re in a relationship?” I could not hide my shock.
“Yep. For eleven years and still going strong. You didn’t think a bartender could have a place like this did you? I’m a kept muscleman – just like you, I’m sure.”
“What do you mean?” My anger was returning.
“Well isn’t that cute little fucker that dances so well your keeper?” Atlas was completely missing how his comments affected me. I stopped briefly to register the comment about my dancing ability, but the thought of me being someone’s sugar daddy made me laugh.
“No – that guy isn’t my keeper and he isn’t even that rich.” I continued to stare at Atlas in disbelief.
“Well, he tips like a rich man.”
I lost all ability to filter what I was saying. “That’s because he’s got a fucking huge crush on you.” This caused Atlas to laugh.
“Really? That’s cool. Watching him dance and flirt makes me hard all the time. It’s a shame we can’t date.”
“Why not?” I had stopped acknowledging his compliments about the old me and was just trying to figure the guy out.
“Well, first of all, because I’m in a relationship. And I don’t want to ruin a good thing. You know what I mean?” Atlas did not wait for a response. “And, secondly, because he’s the kind of guy you marry – not just fuck. He’s not like you or me – we’re just two horny big guys that can come in here – throw down some awesome sex and then just walk away. It doesn’t mean anything. That guy is the type of man that everyone falls in love with. I can’t have any of that. As long my hubby doesn’t find out I am screwing other people then life will stay this good.” He motioned around the room with his arm.
I was floored by what I was hearing. My fantasy was crumbling. This man wasn’t the person of my dreams – he was a cheating bastard – a deceiver in relationships and in building his body. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I had wasted many hours of my life worshipping this guy from afar. Drew was right. I chased men that didn’t deserve my love. It was true with Big Daddy, it was true with numerous other men, and it was certainly true with the asshole in front of me. All of a sudden I longed to be home – at Sam’s condo. But there was something even deeper bubbling inside of me. I longed to be home in my own body, as well. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I refused to let Atlas see me cry. I stood up turning slightly away.
“Listen, I’m afraid I made a mistake. I need to head home.” I walked over and picked my shirt up from the floor. I quickly pulled it over my head as I heard Atlas stand up and walk over behind me.
“What? Oh no you don’t, big guy. I worked my ass off flirting with you for two days – even paying for many rounds of drinks. You owe me. I need to get fucked and I can only let someone as big as you do it. Surely you understand that – it doesn’t matter if it gets around the bar that a bigger guy plowed me. That’s not an embarrassment. It’s simply the chain of command. Hey, how about I let you feel my implants.”
I wanted to scream! Years of hearing this same unspoken law from Big Daddy caused me to lose control. I grabbed Atlas’ chest, swung him around me, and shoved him hard against the wall. I forced my full weight through my arms compressing all air from the guy’s lungs. Atlas screamed out in pain and then a weird smile shot across his face.
“I see how it is, the big guy likes it rough, huh? I can get into that.”
“No, I don’t like it rough!” I was yelling as tears streamed down my face. “And I know I wouldn’t like it any way with you. You are pathetic, man. I don’t owe you anything.” I saw he was having trouble breathing so I let up on the pressure slightly. I could tell that my strong arms prevented him from moving at all. The power in my body was like a drug. Years of bitterness at guys like this were coming to a head within me. I felt like punching the bastard – because . . . because . . . because I had wasted so much time wanting something so fake. I didn’t mean Atlas’ fake body – I meant the fantasy that some big guy would make me complete. Even if his body had been gained the old fashioned way it still would have been fake to me. Because the reality was that this man would never be able to see the real me. I meant what was on the inside.
It was like Drew said – I didn’t take the time to get to know people and I certainly didn’t give them the chance to get to know me. If I did, I would have realized Atlas, as well as Big Daddy, were incapable of truly knowing me. And what was really crazy was that even with a body as beautiful as Sam’s my true self was still invisible to Atlas. I had always thought a huge body would cause other men to finally get to know me. But the truth was that this man in front of me, as well as many other guys like him, only wanted to be with Sam’s body for the same reason I did – as a trophy – a conquest.
They – no, I didn’t truly want to get to know someone. I wanted to live some fantasy life where being big – full of muscles – finally made me complete. I even thought that if some huge guy liked me I could somehow be complete, as well. Deep down I knew I really wanted a guy to desire me as much as I desired him. I wanted it to be equal. But it was dawning on me that in order for a relationship to be equal both parties must be complete at the beginning. The relationship should only compliment what is already there. No one in a relationship should have to be anything other than his true self. I needed to finally search for someone that I connected with intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, as well as physically. I had settled for just the physical for too many years.
The big guy in front of me met a physical desire within me, but – and I truly didn’t want to judge him – he could never meet my desires in any of the other areas. He just wasn’t wired like me. I got the feeling that his husband did meet these other desires for him – in some bizarre way – and that’s why they stayed together. I felt happiness for them. I was suddenly very calm.
“Listen, man. You are really sexy. But I have made a grave mistake. I really want to be with someone else. I’m not sure I know who that is right now, but I know it’s not you – even for something quick. That wouldn’t be fair to you, me, or your husband. I’m not judging you – I’m judging myself. I want more. I deserve more. I want someone who will look beyond just what’s on the outside. All you see in me is muscle. I’m the same way, but I want to change.” I leaned in and gave him a kiss. I then released him, opened the door, and left. When I stepped into the street I was a new man. Before I got in my car I threw my hands in the air and yelled loudly. I was free in a way that I had not been in a long time – maybe even since elementary school. I looked forward to having a new outlook on life, on dating, and on myself. It wasn’t that I didn’t like being in Sam’s body – I did. But I didn’t need to be in his body any more. I needed to be my true self. I got in the car and headed home. I suddenly really wanted to see Sam.