Breaking Wind

Stupid topic really, but yesterday seemed to be a day for gas and since I seemed to have an overabundance of it, that�s what was on my mind. I couldn�t even move without the gas escaping me and I chuckled as it occurred to me I should have propelled myself through several states by the time I was finished working in the yard.

The thoughts were entering my mind about people and how one could categorize them according to their farting habits. I know, my mind is a scary place, but at least you�re only visiting, I have to live with it. Back to my thoughts now on categorizing people by their farts and I�m not sure if I may miss some, but I can only go by those I�ve experienced.

Fart-less: Those people who swear they don�t fart at all. We all know they do and if they really don�t fart, never let them breathe in your face because we all know it needs to come out someplace.

Mouse farts: They squeak when they fart and they usually follow it up by blushing as they look around to see if anyone else heard it. The blush pretty much tells everyone who farted and if they could get this under control, they�d probably get away with it completely.

Silent-odorless: These people are lucky and I admire them because they can pretty much fart whenever they need to without anyone being any the wiser.

Pre-announcers: The name says it all. They�re proud of their farts and want everyone to know it.

Aft-announcers: My partner is one of these. She farts first and then tells me about it, like I was unaware of what the sound was. It does make me chuckle though, so all is well.

Echo chamber: These farts seem to reverberate and are very loud. Sometimes they can smell and other times, nothing. Most of my family is in this group, but I�m nothing like my family.

Polite farter: These people are very delicate, gentle people and I don�t know any of them. They excuse themselves to the restroom to do their farting and even though they�re so polite about it, they�re almost embarrassed to let anyone believe they would actually have gas.

Silent or loud killers: This would be my category and I am the master, sad to say. These farts leave a green-cloud trail and could probably kill small animals. They seem to be strongly fueled by certain foods, especially poultry and tacos. People who practice this form of farting are warped and enjoy the looks on the faces of their loved ones as they enter the fog. These are also the sick individuals who know the fart is coming and get into bed first, giggling as the gas rolls from their bowels, knowing that their significant other will be lifting the blankets soon to release the pungent odor. People who fart this way get almost hysterical with laughter, knowing they have singed the nose hairs of others. These are easily amused people and one should be warned of their existence.

This is pretty much my limit on the knowledge of farting categories, other than to know there are contests around the world for professional farters. Sad but true.