You can write the author at: brownluver@yahoo.com or
Chris Carr at: andy_dick35@hotmail.com
Thanks!
Getting To The Good
By "J"
October, 2000 ©
Chapter 44
I spent the morning catching bits and pieces of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons as I drifted in and out of sleep. By noon, I was wide awake but not rested at all. I felt drained, achy and anxious. How was I supposed to stand before people and vow myself to someone I do not love--someone who does not love me? The very thought of it seemed like a nightmare you never wake up from.
I threw on some sweat pants and slipped past mom and Mrs. Martinez, who were in the kitchen putting together trays of crackers and hors d'oeuvers, and dad and my brothers, who were busy turning our living room into a site fit for a wedding. I needed some time...and some fresh air. I needed to walk.
My thoughts immediately turned to Akil as I strolled down the block. I hadn't known him long enough to betray him the way I had. How many months had it been? Four at the most. Yet, I was drawn to him in that natural way--the way the bee is drawn to the honey.
He gave me so much and asked for so little. Love and faithfulness, companionship--all reasonable expectations. But from the beginning, I hadn't been able to give him even that. First, I got caught up fulfilling dangerous booty calls with Craig, only to let myself go for one spontaneous night of bumping and grinding in the front seat of mom's car with Maya.
Truth is, I am weak--too weak--when it comes to the flesh.
I hadn't always been like that; matter of fact, until very recently, I'd been somewhat asexual. I knew now that it was only because I'd been questioning my sexuality for a long time and didn't know it. But there had been something to speed my awakening along.
Actually, someONE. Craig.
Images of us together burned in the pit of my stomach. We'd created a heat wave this past summer, the two of us. There was a time there when I would have done anything just to get a few minutes alone with him. He never disappointed, either. He was hot sex on a platter, a fucking good time that lasted but a minute.
Somehow, my feet found there way over to Craig's house, and I was struck by the irony. It was here, just outside his bedroom window that my whole world began to change. It must have been fate, right? Why else would Craig just happen to be lying on his bed that day, working out his secret desire to a gay porno video? And fate must have sent me here today for some reason.
I hesitated on the front porch. Lately, there had been static between the two of us. I could still taste the hatred I felt for him when he tried to blackmail me into doing whatever he wanted me to do. I could also taste his tongue, his sweat and his warm maleness as if he and I had been together just minutes ago. Why was I going there? I hadn't felt that attraction in months.
I decided not to play with fire. I stepped off the porch and was headed down the sidewalk when I heard the front door open. "Yo, kid. Looking for me?"
Craig stood in the doorway, grinning. "Shouldn't you be at the crib putting on your tux?"
I ambled up the steps and slid past Craig into his house. "Who gave you the good news?"
I sat down on the couch and Craig sat next to me. He smelled of Aqua Velva. "Ma got an invitation."
"I'm surprised you ain't trying to hunt me down," I said.
"Over her? Man, I been through with that," he said.
"I'm just glad she didn't me caught up like that."
Ouch. That sure made me feel better. "So, tell me kid. What do yo boy think about all this?"
Akil. Why did he have to go there? "Mind your business, Craig."
"Thought so," Craig said with a smirk. "So if you didn't come here to talk about the wedding, what you here for?"
"Exactly," I said, rising to leave.
Craig stood and blocked my way. "Where you going?"
He inched closer. "You just got here."
I stepped forward, expecting Craig to move. Instead, he took it as an opportunity to wrap his hand around the nape of my neck. "And now I'm leaving," I said.
"So soon?" His thumb is playing with the little hairs at the back of my neck. "I was thinking I could give you your wedding present before you go."
Craig's hand slips down my back and cups my ass. "It's been a long time. Too long, don't you think?"
With each word, Craig's dick plumped against my thigh. I had forgotten how much God had blessed him with. Still, my body was not responding to him. "Where's Mrs. McLemore?"
Craig nuzzled my neck, and in the next instant, his warm tongue was flicking seductively over the skin. I shuddered. "Out," he replied. "So what do you say?"
Chapter 45
Craig's breath felt warm and inviting against my cheek as he whispered in my ear all the nasty things he wanted to do. My body began to respond to the promise of his x-rated words. I grabbed his head and smashed my lips into his. For the first few seconds, the feel and the taste of him electrified my senses, it made me rise with anticipation. But within a minute, the kiss was stale. I saw for the first time my weakness, and realized that letting Craig sex me would give into that weakness, a mistake I already had made one time too many. So, instead of falling onto the couch with Craig on top of me as my body begged me to do, I walked away.
That one little action made my walk home a victory walk. For once in my life, I'd been able to see the mistake coming before I made it. I'd been able to prevent it, finally. The more I thought about all the things my refusal to sleep with Craig saved me, the happier I became.
My joy evaporated the closer I came to returning home. I'd been away a little over an hour, which was not enough time for the wedding to commence, but time was obviously getting short. The minute I walked through the door, mom and Mrs. Martinez ushered me upstairs, insisting that Maya was in the house and I could not see her until the wedding.
Gladly, I retreated to my room. No sooner had I closed the door and fell down onto the bed, it opened and in walked Duane.
My brother looked different this visit. His blond-dyed wavy fade was a stark contrast to his dark skin and eyes, but I had to admit he wore this new look well. He came and sat on the edge of my bed, playfully punching me in the leg like he used to do back in the day. "No time for sleeping, boy. Today's your big day."
I sighed. "Don't remind me."
"If you feel that way, why you going through with it?"
I propped my head up with my hand. "Responsibility."
"Wake up, nigga. Marrying old girl ain't the only way to take care of your responsibility. The baby can still have your name and you can provide for the baby, too, without having to walk down no aisle."
True. But I had agreed to it, Maya had agreed to it, and it would not be right for me to back out of it on the very day the wedding was to take place. I told Duane as much. He didn't say anything for a little while, just sat there chewing on his bottom lip. "You know, from the very first time I heard about this wedding, I had this funny feeling...something about this whole thing seems wrong."
I nodded. "You've got that right."
"Well, you know whatever you decide to do, I got your back," Duane said.
We shook hands and hugged before he left. He hadn't been gone long when two short knocks sounded at the door and in walked my oldest brother, R.J. My big bro never was the type for visiting, so his presence in my room stirred my curiosity. "Telephone," he said.
I followed him into the hall where the phone sat. "Hello?"
"Meet me in Sanders Park. Near the concession stand in half an hour."
The loud click that followed alerted me that the caller had ended the call. The words were brief and rushed, but I knew the voice. It was Akil.
I set out for Sanders Park immediately.
Chapter 46
The walk to Sanders Park took me a little over 20 minutes. Akil was right where he asked me to meet him, sitting backward at a picnic table near the concession stands, his elbows propping him forward. His normally expressive baby brown eyes were dark and cloudy. He was not smiling. It didn't even seem like he was blinking. His eyes were focused enough to follow me, however, as I made my way over to him. I stopped just inches short of his outstretched legs. Now that I was near, Akil's focus had shifted. He stared off into the distance as if I wasn't there.
"So you came," he said.
I sat down on the bench beside him. "Of course I came, man."
Without changing his focus, he began to shake his head over and over, as if that action alone stated everything he wanted--needed--to say to me. Abruptly, he reached inside his coat and fished a letter of a pocket. "When I read this, my first thought was, this must be April's Fools Day. I just...knew it was a joke. But then, I called Cyrus and found out that it wasn't no joke. It's for real and the only fool is me."
"Everything happened so fast," I replied. "I couldn't come and tell you...for a lot of reasons. A lot of shit has happened to me lately."
"You know, you've always had a problem being up front with your business, and it never really bothered me until now," Akil said. "I didn't know you could take lying and make it an art, but I guess I didn't know you at all."
I reached for his hand, and in that same instant, he jumped up and away, out of my reach, as if my touch was the plague. "Don't lay one muthafucking hand on me, Tracy, I mean it."
I expected anger, but not this kind of hostility. Was this the same dude who wrote love poems and blushed when I asked him to talk dirty while we were making love? "Don't be like this, Akil. Let me--"
"Don't you tell me how to be, don't you tell me shit! Not after the way you played me."
"It's not like that," I said.
"So then you weren't fucking that Maya girl when you claimed to be so in love with me?"
I sighed. I couldn't lie. "I didn't plan...it was just one time."
"Oh, so that makes it all right? Hell no. She's pregnant, Tracy, pregnant!"
"Look, what happened happened. I can't change that. It's in the past now. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I will love you. You my boy. Won't nothing change my feelings for you."
"Not even a wife and kid?" I didn't hesitate.
"Not even a wife and a kid."
Akil walked away, his face buried in his hands. Was he crying? He stayed about five feet away for five minutes. Then he walked back over, smiling. "So, you love me that much? You love me so much that you would still be my boo, even with your wife and kid at home?"
I walked closer to him. This time, he did not move away. He inched somewhat closer himself, and licked his lips seductively. "Would you do that for me?" he asked.
"Yes," I said, giving him the sweetest kiss, full of all the passion I felt for him. Just as his tongue began to stir my senses and send my body into shivers, he snatched his mouth away from mine and shoved me down on the bench. He spat twice--hacking globs--and wiped and rubbed his mouth and lips violently, as if he could clean himself of any trace of me.
"You are sick, pathetic and disgusting. I don't know what the fuck I ever saw worth having in you."
Talk about getting kicked while I was down. It was one thing to hear his words, but quite another thing entirely to see him hurl my kiss from his mouth as if the very taste of it poisoned him.
"We're through. That's all I called you here for, was to tell you that I don't want to hear from you, I don't want to see you again."
With those final words, Akil Anderson stalked away, his back being the last thing I saw of him. Pride wouldn't allow me to go out like that.
"Go, then," I called behind him. "I don't need you. I don't need you at all. I can get a replacement like that," I said. Akil didn't even pretend to hear me. He kept walking further and further away, until he was only a speck in my line of vision. I began my walk back home in the opposite direction, but couldn't concentrate on walking with the gigantic lump of something that seemed caught in my throat, near my heart.
Chapter 47
I made my way back home just in time to start prepping for the ceremony. A few of the select guests had already arrived and were making smalltalk with mom, Mrs. Martinez and Maya's aunts. Among them was Mrs. McLemore, Craig's mother. She pulled me to the side as I walked through the living room/wedding chapel and gave me a hug and kiss.
"I just can't believe you all are getting married," she said. "I mean, that girl and my Craig were crazy about each other. Couldn't keep them two apart for nothing, Tracy. I had to beg the child to go home almost every night when Craig was home, and then when he went away to school, seem like I got calls from her parents every weekend, wondering if I had heard from Craig cause Maya went up to see him for the weekend and they hadn't yet heard from her. It's a wonder she didn't get pregnant by my Craig. I tell you, I had no idea you two were even dating."
I heard the words she was saying, but I was not processing. Manners and respect kept me from simply walking away. Still, I was not listening for understanding. Too many thoughts clouded and crowded my brain. Focus was out of my reach. I nodded, smiled and excused myself to go get dressed. Mom stopped me on the steps and warned me to stay away from Duane's room because Maya was dressing there.
Upstairs, my tux had been laid out on my bed, along with my dress shirt, cumberbund and socks. I wasn't alone long when Duane and Eric came in to help me get ready. They laughed, joked, teased me even. But it was like I wasn't there. I wasn't comprehending any of what was being said. Somewhere between Sanders Park and home, I had shut down. I stopped thinking, stopped feeling and began to focus only on doing. I was just going through the motions.
I left my room momentarily to use the restroom. I splashed some cold water on my face and took a good look at myself in the mirror. My reflection scared me because I didn't know who the hell I was anymore. I wasn't the Tracy I'd been for the first 16 years of my life; he'd disappeared the day I stumbled onto Craig's secret through his bedroom window. I wasn't the Tracy who got high off having rough sex with Craig in bathroom stalls; he'd reformed the minute I crossed paths with Akil. Now, I was supposed to be Tracy, husband and father? Who was he? I sure as hell didn't see him in that mirror.
As I was exiting the bathroom, I noticed Craig slipping inside Duane's bedroom door. I would not have thought much about it if this had happened five or six years ago. After all, back in the day, Craig used to come over so much, he had almost become a fixture in Duane's bedroom. But things had changed.
Neither Duane nor Craig were regulars in this house now that they were University of Illinois students. On today, the only person who had any business in Duane's room was Maya. Craig's presence there immediately caused a tingle along the back of my neck.
I'd learned that where there was Craig, there was trouble. I tiptoed across the hallway and pressed my ear against the closed door. The voices came to my ears muffled but distinct enough for me to make sense of the conversation.
"Don't make me go through with this," Maya said.
"This is best for all us, I told you," Craig said.
"But it's...not right. Craig, it ain't right! We should be getting married, not me and Tracy."
"You know I can't marry you," he said.
"You don't have to quit school, Craig. You can go to school and I can stay home and take care of the baby," Maya said.
"I can't afford to take care of no wife and baby, Maya. Plus, this will get in the way of my football career. I gotta focus on that."
"How can you say that? I don't understand you. How can football be more important than your baby?"
I flinched. Those last two words hit me like a bullet. I pressed my ear even closer to the door, anxious not to miss a minute of their "private" chat.
"I never wanted no baby, Maya. I'm not the one who stopped taking her birth control, OK? I always used protection."
"Yeah, but you are the one who made me tell my parents that this baby was Tracy's when we both know different."
I backed away from the door, shaking my head. Could it be true? Could the baby be Craig's? No! They hadn't been together since before summer. Right? No!
I began to replay the words Mrs. McLemore had spoken just minutes ago...
"I had to beg the child to go home almost every night when Craig was home, and then when he went away to school, seem like I got calls from her parents every weekend, wondering if I had heard from Craig cause Maya went up to see him for the weekend and they hadn't yet heard from her...."
Those two had never really ended their sexual relationship. Craig, not I, was the father of Maya's baby. And I was marrying her...for what? When the ridiculousness that was my life was clearly before my eyes, I laughed. Out loud...
Next installment, the exciting conclusion!!
|Back To Story Index | Back to Story Archive | Back to Homepage |