Second Puberty 8
by Jaypat
“It must really suck to be a girl,” said Geoff.
We were sitting on the bleachers, overlooking the football field, talking. After the shower, we had quickly pulled on our clothes, rushed out of the locker room and somehow wound up here. And for the past half hour we had covered all kinds of subjects, from favorite foods to how we felt about different celebrities. It surprised me how little I really knew Geoff.
“It’s probably ok to be a girl,” I said, answering him.
“No, it’s gotta suck.” he said. “They’re so small and weak.”
“They’re not all small and weak.”
“Yeah, they are. Compared to guys, they all are. It doesn’t matter how big a girl pumps herself up, you’re always going to find a guy who’s bigger.”
“Being big isn’t everything.”
“No, but it sure helps. My mom for instance; every time she needs to open a jar of pickles, she calls me. Last time she told me she tried for five minutes to get the lid off. She squeezed, used one of those rubber pad things, and banged it on the counter. And when none of that worked, she called me. One little twist of the wrist and off it popped.”
He demonstrated, recreating the jar in the air.
“Can you imagine going through your entire life not being able to open a jar of pickles? I’d shoot myself.”
“Over a pickle jar?” I said smiling.
“It’s not just the pickle jar.” he said, shaking his head. “They can’t lift any kind of load. I’m always pulling things off upper shelves for them. They can’t go anywhere after dark by themselves. I have to walk my cousins to their cars or walk a girl to her door at night. Why? Because they’re scared some guy might jump out of the bushes and rape them.”
“They might.”
“I know they might. That’s not the point.” He started rubbing his chin and looking around. I could tell he was looking for the right words to make his argument.
“For you or me, it would be no problem to walk down the street at nine o’clock at night,” he finally said. “I don’t think twice about it. Do you?”
I had to admit I didn’t.
“But they have to. Imagine spending your life being scared to walk down the street after dark. It would suck.”
“That’s the world we live in.”
“Yeah, I know it is and for girls it sucks, which is why I’d hate to be one.”
“There are some good things about being a girl,” I said.
“Like what? Name one thing girls have over guys. We can do anything they can do and more.”
“We can’t give birth.”
“You mean we can’t walk around looking like a walrus for nine months and then spend hours screaming our fucking lungs out in pain while we squeeze out a fucking baby? Yeah. You win. We can’t do that.”
There was silence but I could tell the gears were still turning in his head.
“And that’s another thing,” he continued, “every month, they have their fucking period. They go completely insane. They cry a lot, get mad easy, and you just don’t want to be around them. Who needs that?”
“You’re making it sound a lot worse than it is.”
“Am I? Then answer me this; would you want to be a girl?”
That didn’t take much thought. “No, but—”
“But nothing. No one in their right mind, if they could choose, would choose to be a girl.”
“I bet the girls would.”
“They’d only say that because they don’t know what its like to be a guy. Being a guy rules. Your strong, you can go pretty much anywhere you want whenever you want, and you’ve got a cock.”
I laughed.
“Go on, laugh, but its true. Having a cock is sweet. Just the feel of it hanging out there in front of you as you walk around, the weight of it, as it sits in your pants and that slight prickly feeling as it rubs against your pubs, there’s nothing like it. And when it comes to fucking, you can’t tell me having a cunt comes close.”
“I wouldn’t know.”
“Sure you do. Have you ever had any trouble getting off?”
“Ah, no.”
“Me neither. But for girls, it’s a real challenge. I saw this thing on TV the other day… Did you know there are some women who never have an orgasm? They grow up, get married, have kids and never, not once, get off. How many guys can say that? I’d swear it’s another reason to eat a bullet.
“Try telling them that.” He looked shocked at the idea.
“I’d never say any of this to a girl. It would be too cruel. If they all sat down and actually thought about how shitty they had it, they’d probably all off themselves.”
“I think girls are a lot tougher than you’re giving them credit for.”
“They’d have to be. I mean, even the weakest guy in school, like you used to be, has it better off than them.”
“Wait a minute. You think I was the weakest guy in school?”
“Well, maybe not the weakest but defiantly in the top five.”
Wasn’t that a kick in the pants? He must have seen my expression because suddenly he was back peddling like it was an Olympic event.
“But not now. You keep going the way you’re going and pretty soon you’ll be tipping the other end of the scale.”
The weakest guy in school. Maybe I had been. I don’t know. I’d never really thought about it.
“It’s kind of funny,” he continued, “how no one’s noticed how fast you’ve grown. Most people figure you’ve been growing all along and they just haven’t noticed it until now. But there are a couple of guys on the team, they’ve noticed.”
“Gil Stafford thinks I’m a mutant.” I guess better that than the weakest guy in school.
“Gil Stafford is about as dumb as they come. Don’t worry about what he says.”
I looked at my watch. “Jeeze, it’s getting late. I’ve got to get home for dinner.”
Geoff offered to drive me home but I didn’t want to leave my bike at school.
“Then I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled me in tight for a hug and we parted.
Geoff definitely had some strange ideas about girls and about being a guy. But, as I walked towards my bike, I realized I had never been more conscious of my cock moving around in my pants, and what surprised me even more is that I did kind of like the feel of it.
The weakest guy in school. Why did that bother me so much? I flexed and felt my large, hard bicep under my shirt. It made me feel better and I realized I was pretty strong now, but still, the weakest guy in school? The words were haunting me.
As I got to my bike, my cell phone rang. Unidentified number.
“Hello?”
“Good news, kid. I think I’ve figured out why you’re growing so fast,” said Professor Grant.
“But I’ve stopped,” I said. “I haven’t grown since last night.”
“I might have the answer for that, too. What did you eat today?”
I thought for a second. “Breakfast was eggs, toast and Juice. Lunch was—” What was the school lunch? Oh yeah. “Eggplant Parmesan, beans, corn and carrots and some kind of cake, I’m not really sure what.”
“Anything else?”
“A couple of cookies.”
“How about yesterday?”
“Breakfast was the same, except I think I had bacon, too. Lunch was corned beef sandwiches and chicken soup and dinner was steak, potatoes, spinach and carrots.”
“It all fits.”
“What fits?”
“It’s the meat, kid. The meat is making you grow.”
“What, you mean like protean?”
“Partly, yes, but mostly, no.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Years ago when I was designing you, livestock was raised slowly and naturally. When the time came, it was butchered and sent to the stores. But today, they pen the animals in, shoot them up with growth hormones, so they mature faster and they can be butchered sooner. But those growth hormones are still in the meat when it makes it to your table. It’s the hormones in the meat reacting with your unique biochemistry, that’s what’s making you grow so fast.”
“So, what do I do?”
“If I were you, I’d limit my intake of meat and meat products. You don’t want to grow too quickly. It might attract some unwanted attention.”
“Unwanted attention? From who?”
“I’ve got to go, kid. Just wanted to let you know that you were fine, and that you’re rapid growth poses absolutely no danger to your health.” And then he hung up.
Why is it that guy never answered more questions than he raised? I hopped on my bike and peddled out of there.
On my way home, I realized that I still hadn’t bought any new underwear, so I made a detour to Target to take care of it. As I walked down the underwear aisle, I made a quick stop at the boxer section. I had been wearing boxer shorts since I was eleven. But looking down at my thighs bulging under those baggy cargo pants, I realized I’d have to make a change and I headed for the briefs. As I stood there looking at them, I tried to figure out what size I’d need. My waist size hadn’t changed too much, but I thought I ought to buy the next size range up, to allow for future growth. They still looked very confining. Almost subconsciously, I found myself wondering if the front pouch had a stretch factor.
I had just selected a couple of packages, when a bright pink one flew at me. I caught it. It was little girl’s panties with Hello Kitty all over them.
“That looks more your style,” said a voice. It was Gil Stafford and two of his buddies, Benjy Pierce and Farley Simpkin, three of my favorite people.
“No, Gil, that was before,” said Benjy, pulling another packet off the rack and tossing it to his friend. Gil looked at it and laughed. “When you’re right, you’re right.” He tossed it at me. More kid’s underwear. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
“Wow,” I said in mock admiration, “you guys know all the classics. Maybe someday you might even learn to read.”
“Jesus, Gil, his voice,” said Benjy.
“Yeah, no fucking kidding.” Gil took a menacing step forward and grabbed me by the arm. I tried to pull away but couldn’t. Suddenly it was the Scott Fitzsimons thing all over again, except Scott had been molesting Veronica and I had just been minding my own business. And this time I was the one who was trapped. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it at all.
“You’ve got a pretty big mouth on you for such a little man.”
Little man? That was a little too close to weakest guy in school. Not me. Not anymore. But who was I kidding? Gil had about five inches and a hundred pounds on me, and his friends were almost as big. Next to these guys, I was a little man. But there was still no way I was going to let them intimidate me.
“You used a couple of two syllable words there,” I said. “Go easy I don’t want you to strain yourself.”
“You’re mouth is writing some pretty big checks there, buddy,” said Gil, clenching his fist. “Let’s see if you’ve got the funds.”
“Come on, Gil,” said Farley. “You don’t want to mess with this dude. He’ll go crying straight to Geoff, and next thing you know you won’t be first string anymore.”
“Geoff can’t afford to lose me, not with half the team in the hospital.”
Holy shit! He was right! Why didn’t I think of that?
“Farley,” said Gil, “run over to Electronics and grab me a package of them cable ties.”
“Come on, Gil, you don’t want to do this.”
“Are you going to go, or do I have to send Benjy?”
“Fine,” said Farley dashing off.
Cable ties? I didn’t like the sound of that. I struggled as hard as I could to get my arm away from Gil, but I couldn’t do it. Suddenly all my notions about my strength went out the window. I thought I’d have at least some chance against these guys, but I didn’t.”
“Hold him, Benjy.”
Then Benjy’s arms wrapped around me in a kind of a strangling bear hug which I could not break no matter how hard I tried.
At this point all pride went out the window. “Hel—” I started to cry. I didn’t even see Gil’s fist coming before I felt it land on my midsection and knocked all the air completely out of me. My first reaction was surprise. I had thought my new abs would protect me from this kind of thing. Apparently not. I couldn’t breathe, and for the life of me, I thought I was going to pass out.
Gil picked up the Ninja Turtles underwear package from the floor where I dropped it. He ripped it open and pulled out a pair and shoved the underwear in my mouth, effectively silencing me and making it very hard for me to get my breath back.
“You don’t like the Turtles, hunh? Let’s see what you do like.”
And then he was pulling off my sneakers and yanking down my pants. I was now naked from the waste down. I didn’t think I could have been more humiliated. I was wrong.
“Oh, look, he likes it au’ natural.”
Just then Farley came back. “Gil? What the fuck?”
“Shut up,” said Gil as he took the cable ties from his friend and ripped open the package. “Help me tie his legs.”
I struggled as much as I could, but it was no use. I barely had any breath and there were two of them. In a few minutes they had tied my legs together at the ankles. Then they tied my wrists above my head. Now I was bound, half naked and completely helpless.
Gil looked around and seemed to quickly find what he was looking for. There was a display hanging from a hook on a post at the end of the aisle. He lifted it down and then hung me up by the wrists in its place. My feet were dangling about a foot from the floor, and my arms felt like they were slowly separating from my shoulders.
“That’s about right,” he said looking at me with satisfaction. He picked up my pants and balled them up in his fists. “We’ll just take these with us. I don’t think you’ll be needing them for a while.” He laughed and then the three of them turned and left me hanging there.
The next few minutes were the longest in my life. I just couldn’t understand how I’d wound up in this position. It had happened so fast. One minute I was king of my world and the next I was someone else’s plaything. And what did I do to deserve it? I didn’t do anything.
I was about half way down the underwear aisle, hidden from view from most of the store. But I knew that any second someone was going to come around that corner and then my humiliation would be complete.
As soon as I got my breath back I began to try to work the underpants out of my mouth. I thought if I could call for help, at least it would be a store clerk that found me and not some little old lady, or worse, someone I knew. But freeing my mouth proved to be a lot more difficult than I expected. And just as I achieved it, my time ran out.
A little girl came trotting around the corner. Ok, that was worse than a little old lady. She must have been about six. When she saw me, she stopped and stared. I tried to think of something to say to her to make it better—as if anything I could say could make it better—but I couldn’t.
Then she turned and ran crying, “Mommy, Mommy there’s a man in the underwear aisle with an elephant between his legs.”
I gritted my teeth and braced myself. Any second now, the mother would show up and the circus would begin. I wondered how many people would have to see me like this before I could be cut down. God forbid they should have to take a picture.
But, unaccountably, it wasn’t the mother who came around the corner but Farley Simpkin. Great. He came back for the show. I wanted to say something really stinging to him but for some reason my mouth wasn’t working. It was as if I were mute.
Then the mother did come around the corner. She took one look at me and started screaming. Then Farley rushed over, lifted me off the hook, threw me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and took off running through the store.
I was getting bounced around quite a bit as the big guy ran seemingly aimlessly throughout the store. We’d encounter some people, they’d scream or shout at the sight of me tied up and hanging on his shoulder, and then he’d turn around and start running in the opposite direction, giving them all a splendid view of my bouncing bare butt to remember us by. After about five minutes of this I finally found my voice.
“What the fuck are you doing, Farley?”
“Saving you.”
“Then could you put me down?”
“Can’t. Not till we’re safe.”
“And where exactly is safe?”
“Men’s changing room.”
“Ok, where’s that?”
“Don’t know.”
“If you don’t know where it is, how will you get us there?”
“You smart guys always get hung up on the details.”
After that remark, I was temporarily struck dumb again.
Fortunately, it didn’t take long for Farley to find the changing rooms, and after a brief, but lively foray into the women’s section, he managed to find us an empty stall on the men’s side, where he finally set me down.
“You okay?” he asked as he cut the cable ties with his pocket knife.
“Physically? Yes. Otherwise… you wouldn’t understand.”
“You feel completely humiliated beyond all reason and accountability.”
I think my jaw must have dropped as I looked up at him. “You do understand.”
“Not really. That’s just what the last geek Gil tortured said.”
“Last geek? How many have there been?”
He shrugged.
“You’ve been doing this for a while, haven’t you, cleaning up after him?”
“Don’t tell him.”
“Why do you hang out with him?”
“Gil’s ok. He just gets carried away sometimes.”
“No, he’s not ok. What he did to me was not ok. He’s a grade A, number one fucking asshole, that’s what he is.”
“Hey, he’s my friend,” said Farley shortly, and he got up to leave.
“Wait, wait,” I cried. “What did he do with my pants?”
“They’re in the freezer section.”
“What?”
“In between the frozen chili peppers and the ice cream. Wait here I’ll get them for you.”
Then he turned and left.
And as I sat there, half naked in the changing room at Target, waiting for my semi-frozen pants, I began to have a revelation.
It started to sink in just how humiliated I had been. I had been reduced back to the weakest guy in school, no worse than that he had made me feel pathetic and helpless, exactly the way Geoff viewed girls. And I didn’t like feeling that way at all. I liked being a guy. I liked feeling strong. I liked being in control of the assholes, the way I had been with Scott Fitzsimmons.
I ran my hand over my bicep, which until just a little while ago I had been very proud of, and suddenly I realized I had to be bigger, much bigger. I wanted biceps the size of watermelons. I wanted boulders for shoulders. And I wanted abs that any asshole would break his fists on. I wanted to be a fucking god. And then like a thunder clap it hit me, it was actually possible. I could actually do it.
I began to get very excited. Gil Stafford couldn’t just go around humiliating anyone he wanted. No one should ever have to go through what I did. He had to be stopped and I was the one to do it. The more I thought about it the more obsessed I became.
Farley came back and tossed me my pants. He was about to leave, but I stopped him. I felt I should say something to him.
“Thank you,” I said.
“s’ok.”
“When those who have the power to act, don’t act, they become part of the problem. Today you definitely showed you are not part of the problem.” I’m not sure if he understood me but he nodded slightly and grunted before he left.
I also did not intend to be part of the problem.
I unwadded my pants. They crackled but I put them on anyway. Oo, frosty.
I did a quick mental calculation to figure out how much I needed to buy the underwear. Then I marched over to the food section and picked up some bacon and two packages of hot dogs which was all the meat I could buy with what would be left over. I went back to the underwear section and grabbed some underwear that was two size ranges bigger. I expected to need even bigger ones now.
I paid for my stuff and rode home at double speed. I loved how I could ride as fast as I wanted, and never get tired. And the thought that I would soon be much larger and stronger, made me excited.
When I got home, mom was cooking dinner.
“Hi,” she said. “How was detention? They kept you longer than I expected.”
How should I answer this? When did such simple questions become so complicated? Well, after detention I stopped by the locker room and had sex with Geoff. Then I stopped by Target and got totally humiliated by a gorilla. Nope. That would not work.
“It wasn’t all detention. I had some things to do.”
“What’s the matter with your voice?” cried my Mom.
“It dropped. That’s what all the burping stuff was about. My voice was dropping.” “Oh?” said my Mom, in that tone that told me she expected me to elaborate. But I knew how to forestall her.
“So, what are we having for dinner?”
“Chicken a la Ruth.” That was fried chicken in my mom’s patented spiced bread crumb mix. It was really good.
“Do you have any extra chicken?”
“A little.”
“Could you cook it up for me?”
“I suppose…”
“I was talking with Professor Grant today and I have some new dietary requirements.” Both statements were true if not necessarily related. “Do you have any other meat?”
“There’s a leftover steak in the fridge.”
I opened the fridge and quickly found it. I unwrapped it and was about to take a bite when I paused. If I did this, there would be no turning back. I would be changed forever. I had better be damn sure this is what I wanted. Then I remembered Gil Stafford hanging me on that hook and I started chowing down. No one was ever going to do that to me again.
“Hey. You’ll spoil your appetite,” cried my mom.
“Mom, you forget who you’re talking to.”
“Oh, that’s right, the boy vacuum.”
She was right, and the fact that I had already finished the steak proved it. “You have any more?”
“I’ve got a couple more steaks in the freezer, but you might want to let me cook them first. Otherwise you’ll break you teeth.”
“Fine. Cook ’em. Anything else?”
“I’ve got some hamburger I was going to use for meatloaf tomorrow.”
“Could I have that?”
“Sure, I guess. How much?”
“All of it.”
“Are you sure this is right? It doesn’t sound very healthy.”
“Oh, this is going to be healthy, extremely healthy.”
I turned to head up to my room when suddenly I remembered my Target bag. “Oh and while you’re at it, could you cook this stuff up, too?” I handed her the hot dogs and bacon. She stood there for a moment in near shock. I could see I might have gone a little too far.
“What is all this?”
“I just need to eat all this stuff. My body has unusual demands now.” Boy, talk about half truths. I sure hoped this wasn’t going to become a habit.”
“Are you going to have to eat like this all the time?”
“I don’t think so. Just till I stop growing.”
“How long will that be?”
“I don’t know. Professor Grant couldn’t tell me.”
“Well, I hope it’s pretty soon, otherwise you’re going to break our budget.”
I sure didn’t want to break the budget. I promised myself tomorrow after school I would start looking into cheaper meats.
When I got to my room, I lost no time in putting on my new underwear. I had guessed correctly. These things were huge on me—but they wouldn’t be for long.
I opened my underwear drawer to put the rest of it away and I noticed it was empty. Then I opened my t-shirt drawer and that was empty too. I rushed to the closet and except for Geoff’s things, it was empty too.
I ran back down the stairs. “What happened to my clothes?”
“I boxed them up,” answered my mom. “Tomorrow, they’re going to the Salvation Army.”
I supposed I should have guessed that. Once Joe had gotten too big to wear my hand-me-downs, Mom had always taken the clothes I outgrew to the Salvation Army. It’s just that they had never gone all at once before. In a way I felt like I was loosing a part of myself, like I was saying good-bye forever to the old me. But considering what I was planning to do to myself tonight, maybe it was time. After all I wasn’t just planning to say good-bye to the weakest kid in school; I was planning to bury him forever under a mountain of powerful, bulging muscles. And he was pretty damn excited about it, too.
But I didn’t want to give all my clothes away.
“I want to keep my t-shirts.” I liked busting out of them.
“What on Earth for? They don’t fit you anymore.”
“I know. I just want to keep them—for sentimental reasons.”
“Ok, but after you stop growing and we buy you some new ones, there won’t be any room to store them.”
“That’s ok; I should be done with them by then.”
I could tell my mom was mystified, but rather than stay and make up more explanations, I grabbed the box marked t-shirts and high tailed it back up to my room. Once there I opened the box and thought about blowing one of them out before dinner. But for some reason I just wasn’t in the mood.
As I continued pulling stuff out of my backpack, my mind kept drifting back to this evenings coming event. What would all that meat do to me? How big was I going to get? I really couldn’t wait to find out.
Suddenly, I came upon the jar of shit-like goop. I’d almost forgotten all about it. Today was Joe’s lucky day. Today he could move back out of the basement.
I ran down stairs with the jar and explained it all to Mom. She looked at the stuff dubiously as I told her it had to be eaten at room temperature. But in true mom style she opened a cabinet and pulled out a bright red box of Ritz crackers.
“Everything tastes better when it sits on a Ritz,” she said. She used a knife and spread a small dab on each of four crackers and then placed them on a plate.
“You might as well go in and sit down,” she said. “Dinner is about to be served.” I brought the plate of crackers in with me and set them down in the middle of the table. Then I took my seat and waited for everyone else. One by one they answered the call until we were all seated around the table.
Kelsey’s hair and been cut and dyed but it looked pretty good. You couldn’t see any of the blue. Joe was sitting at the table sullenly, staring at me. I got the feeling he was trying to see if I had grown anymore. I kept thinking that in a few hours he’d see all the growth he could handle. And once again, I got excited.
My mom stood up and started to speak. She told everyone about the anti-pheromone agent on the crackers and advised them to eat them quickly, maybe holding their noses to dull the taste. As a gesture, both she and dad wolfed theirs down.
Kelsey looked a little tentative. But she took one and ate it.
“Oh my God, that’s disgusting!” she cried. Kelsey didn’t believe much in hiding her feelings.
And her attitude did not help matters with Joe. Joe wouldn’t go near the cracker. The way he was acting you’d think it was covered in arsenic.
“I’m not eating that!”
“Joe, you have to,” I said.
“Not doing it.”
“Joseph,” said my Dad in his stern voice.
“Forget it,” he said and he got up and ran from the table. We all heard the basement door slam.
“I’ll go,” I said and I grabbed the cracker and followed him down to the basement.
It was dark down there even with the lights on, and at first I couldn’t find him.
“Joe,” I called. Then he stepped out. Great, he was naked again. “Jesus, what is it with you? Can’t you keep your clothes on for just five minutes?”
“What for? I like being naked. It’s very comfortable. You should try it.”
“Joe, you’ve got to eat the cracker.”
“That thing is going to effect how I feel about you, isn’t it?”
“God, I hope so.”
“Then I’m not eating it.”
“Joe, can’t you see this isn’t normal? You’re living in a basement. You haven’t been outside for days and you’re naked all the time.”
“And your point is?”
That was the moment I gave up. Reasoning with him just wasn’t going to work. Time to fall back on my new skill set. I jumped on him.
He really wasn’t expecting that. I caught him completely by surprise and before he knew what was happening, I had him pinned to his mattress.
“What the fuck are you doing? Get off of me!”
“Eat the cracker.”
“No!”
“Eat the cracker, Joe!”
“No way!”
He started to struggle against me. But even though he was still an inch taller than me, I was much stronger. And then I realized I was enjoying overpowering Joe. I guess it was natural. After all, Joe was my younger brother and he had been bigger and stronger than me for years. There was some part of me that had always felt cheated, that because I was older I should be the bigger, stronger one. And I wasn’t. Until now.
Then I had another shock. Joe was enjoying being overpowered. I could see it in his face. He might be struggling but he liked being dominated by me. Or maybe it was just the close physical contact. Either way, that snapped me out of it and I lost no more time in shoving the cracker down his throat. He coughed and sputtered but down it went. Then I let him up.
“That was gross.”
“It was for your own good,” I said. Then I got up and went back upstairs to my dinner.
About half way through the meal, Joe came back. And I don’t mean the crazy person who had been living in the basement for the past 24 hours, I mean my brother, Joe. I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t have that crazed, glazed look anymore. He was my brother once more, and suddenly I knew just how much I had missed him.
He looked kind of sheepishly at the table and apologized to everyone, especially Kelsey, for his behavior. We all forgave him. He asked me if it was all right if he moved back to our room. I told him I would love it if he would move back, but not till tomorrow. I wasn’t completely sure what was going to happen to me tonight, but whatever it was, I wanted to go through it alone.
Dinner was delicious. Every time I took a bite of meat I became more excited because I knew what it would do to me. I knew each morsel meant that much more strength, that much more size, that much more power and I became a glutton. I ate twice the amount of chicken I usually did. Plus I had the two stakes and two pounds of ground beef. As I sat there stuffing my face, I could almost feel those artificial growth hormones racing through my system, fusing with my glands and muscles, getting ready to work their magic. From past experience, I knew it could take anywhere between one and five hours for the process to begin. And while I was impatient for it to start, I took comfort in the knowledge that I was now committed; it would happen. In fact, nothing could stop it. Soon I would feel gigantic muscles swelling up under my skin, making my body unbelievably large and powerful.
Which reminded me. “What about the hot dogs and bacon?” I asked.
“I thought I’d wait and see if you were still hungry,” my mother said.
It was true I was feeling kind of full, but I wanted every last drop I could cram into my body. As far as I was concerned, I couldn’t get too big. “I’ll make room for them,” I said.
“Okay,” she said, and she got up from the table to prepare the meat.
The doorbell rang. It was Veronica. At least, I think it was Veronica. The girl on the door step was the right height and weight for Veronica, but the face…
“Are you wearing make-up?”
“I stopped by the department store this evening and you know how they like to try all that stuff on you and I didn’t have time to go home and take it off; what do you think?” She pretty much said all that in one breath.
To be honest, the stuff on her face was piled on so thick, she looked like a whore. But God gave me more tact than that, so I just said, “You look nice.” I guess that was the right thing to say because suddenly, she was all smiles. She was holding something behind her back, and when she stepped through the door, she presented it to me. It was one of those stainless steel tubs, like they used at the lunch room.
“I picked this up at a restaurant supply store today. It’s just like the pudding tubs they use at school.”
“Perfect,” I said.
I guess I should have been more enthusiastic. I mean this was the beginning of the end of my pheromone problem. But the truth was, I was now expecting a mega growth spurt, and it was all I could think about.
I took the tub from her and led her into the kitchen. Mom was there boiling hot dogs and frying bacon.
“I’m sorry,” said Veronica, “I thought you’d be done with dinner by now.”
“We are,” said my mom, “This is just for the carnivore over there.”
“All that?”
“This is just his after dinner snack.”
Veronica looked a little startled. “I guess he’s a growing boy,” she said. She had no idea.
“We still have to measure out the ingredients,” I said. Mom’ll probably be done by time we’re ready to start.” Mom had managed to buy everything we needed. She got most of it at the pharmacy and the pharmacist was able to point her in the right direction for the rest.
We had just started measuring everything out when the doorbell rang again. I wasn’t expecting anyone but I went to answer it anyway. It was Geoff.
“Hey,” I said somewhat surprised. It’s not like I was unhappy to see him, it’s just that I had the anit-pheormone stuff to make, and a lot of homework to do before I grew into a colossus.
“Hi,” he said. “Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“This isn’t the best time.”
“It’s important.” I looked into that earnest face and there was no way I could refuse him.
“Ok,” I said, inviting him in.
“Who is it, honey?” my mom called.
“It’s Geoff,” I called back.
“Not the Geoff?” she said coming out of the kitchen wiping her hand on a dish cloth. “It’s nice to finally meet you,” my mom said extending her hand. Geoff took it and shook it gently, smiling, the perfect gentleman.
Of course this was the cue for the rest of my family to emerge from the different doorways and pretty soon, Geoff found himself surrounded. He looked a little uncomfortable. I don’t think he expected to be confronted with my entire family. They all shook his hand and welcomed him, including Joe, who after he stepped back, took a moment and checked Geoff out. To me that was the final proof that he was entirely free of my pheromones.
“What’s going on?” came Veronica’s voice from the kitchen.
Crap! Veronica, I’d almost forgotten about her. Please, God, let her stay in the kitchen.
God was not listening.
“I didn’t know you had another sister,” said Geoff. What could I say? I was trapped. “I don’t. This is Veronica.”
In a single second I think I must have seen five or six emotions flash across Geoff’s face. The first one was confusion, then recognition, then shock; then confusion made a comeback and was finally followed by a flash of anger, which like lightning, came and went almost before you noticed it.
“Veronica?” he asked. “Is she the one you—“
“I’m glad you finally got to meet my family,” I interrupted loudly, “here, standing all around you. I might have introduced you earlier but neither my brother or sister were in school today.”
“Oh yeah,” he said suddenly realizing what he had been about to do. “I’m glad I got to meet them, too. And it’s nice to meet Veronica,” he said stepping over and taking her hand. “Your description didn’t do her justice. But her face, it’s just as I pictured it.”
Oh boy, this was going bad fast.
“Geoff said he wanted to talk to me,” I said quickly. “So, if maybe we could have a minute?”
“That’s ok,” said Geoff. “It can wait.”
Oh crap.
“So, what are you guys doing?”
“Well, it’s kind of a science project,” Veronica started.
“That’s ok, Veronica,” I said. “He knows.”
“He knows? Everything?”
“Pretty much.”
“That’s right,” said Geoff. “I know everything.”
“Then he may as well help,” she said.
“No! I mean, I’m sure Geoff is busy.”
“I’d love to help,” he said as he followed us into the kitchen. “So what am I helping with?”
“We’re making some anti-pheromone agent,” said Veronica.
“You mean that brown shit?”
“You’ve seen it?”
“I sampled some, right off his—”
“I think we’re gong to start by measuring out the ingredients,” I said.
“You sampled some?”
Holy crap, Veronica was starting to put two and two together. And for someone who was top of her class in calculus that wasn’t going to be hard.
“Why would you sample some?”
“He insisted. In fact, he made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.”
My life was over.
Veronica was a master at the double meaning herself, and she didn’t need any more dots connected for her.
She started furiously putting things away. “Well, forget it,” she said. “Why are we bothering?”
“What do you mean?”
“The stuff obviously doesn’t work. He’s had some, and he’s still hornier than a traffic jam.”
“It does work. I worked on Charles and it worked on my brother.”
“Your brother?”
Oh crap. Did I say that with my out loud voice? “It’s ok,” I said, desperate to salvage the situation. “We’re not really related.”
“That is just disgusting. How could anyone sleep with their own brother?”
“You slept with your brother?” asked Geoff, wide eyed.
“I did not sleep with my brother,” I shouted. And there was mom, standing in the doorway.
“Well, I’m glad to hear that,” she said. “Hot dogs, anyone?”
Veronica started grabbing her stuff, “No thank you. I have to go.”
“Don’t go,” I said. “I can’t do this without you.”
“That’s right,” said Geoff. “Don’t go. Stay and have a wiener.”
Veronica started marching toward the door. Then suddenly she stopped and turned. “Oh no, I’m not giving up. You’re not getting rid of me that easily. I’m staying and I will have that wiener!” She marched back to the counter, speared a hot dog off the plate with a fork, walked up to Geoff and bit it in two right in front of him.
I could tell he was impressed.
Then she picked up one of the ingredient jars and tried to open it. She couldn’t. She was turning red trying to twist the lid off. Geoff just stood there with his arms folded, watching her struggle, with a smug expression on his face. She tapped the lid on the counter and tried again. No good.
Geoff made a gesture with his hand that said, “Do you want to do it, or should I?”
“Let me get that for you,” I said, and I took the jar and popped the lid right off. It came so easily it startled me. I couldn’t understand how she was having so much trouble with it. I kept thinking, even the weakest guy in school could have opened that. Girls really were kind of frail.
“Thank you,” she said and she took the jar back from me and began to measure out some of its contents.
Geoff leaned over to me and whispered, “It’s great to be a guy, isn’t it?”
And at that moment, I sincerely felt, yeah, it was pretty sweet.